Ok, my beginnings of motherhood were not difficult. One, and two years later the second son did not give me a hard time at all. I don’t remember if I slept or not. I remember that, fortunately, they were not sick at all, and I approached my motherhood very intuitively. “Oh, don’t you have a bathing cap for him?” I heard once. “I don’t have it, because my child won’t be wearing a hat at home” – I briefly summed it up. I was sure of my choices and decisions, and I don’t think I even thought about whether I was sure, I just did as I felt.
Somewhere in the middle of my first pregnancy, my husband told me: “You know, I think the best thing about having children is that you can show them what you love”. These words turned out to be the guiding principle of my entire motherhood.
Even when the boys were little, we took them to the mountains, slept in a tent, kayaked together and did things we wanted and loved. But it was they who reminded me of the smell of calamus.
It was from them that I heard: “Mom, turn around, look at the view” and then I stopped rushing to the top, focused only on achieving the goal. The goal has ceased to be important, it has receded into the background. What counted was the process, fun and pleasure in pursuing it. Not only with my sons, but as it turned out also in my professional life, or in various areas of its private part.
It was with them that I was looking for stones on the trail that resembled goat heads. It was with them that I got up before five in the morning many times to see the sunrise over Połonina Wetlińska and hear the calls of deer below. It was with them that I sang all the songs from Meskie Grania aloud, after they taught me the words and learned the whole story of Lego Ninjago.
Even today I dance with them in the apartment, because as my younger son says: “There is nothing like a song that improves the mood”.
We have our codes, words, jokes that we understand only among ourselves. We have memories that are only ours, anecdotes that we remember perfectly and new ones that are constantly being created.
I look at them, my 17- and 15-year-old, and I feel immense gratitude and emotion. Gratitude that they exist, that I understood so much thanks to them, I saw that they awakened a child in me who is as curious about the world as they are and with them I jump in puddles, eat jelly beans at night and hate standing still.
I watch them develop, mature, discover their passions and make their dreams come true. And I am grateful that I can accompany them, that in them I also see a part of myself, and above all, what I love about myself. Because today, with teenagers, I can say that yes – the most beautiful thing about motherhood is showing your children what you love.
Everything I love about this photo…
What will they take from it? We don’t know, maybe nothing – and that’s also important, or maybe more – and that’s ok too. Because it’s not an auction or competition, it’s shaping a little man who will one day become an adult and you have to remember about that.
And yes. Motherhood is overrated. Because for me it is full of fear that has not left me for 18 years. Will it be healthy, will it develop well, or does it not have a concussion after its head was smashed against a cupboard, which was only suitable for sewing?
How will he manage in kindergarten, will he get along with his peers, will our education system not break his back. Will he be aware of his own values, or will he cope when someone undermines his self-confidence? Will he have enough humility? But also, will he come back from the party drunk, will he not do something stupid, will he remember that he can always come to me with anything? Do I tell him often enough: “I’m always there for you”? Does he trust me, do I trust him, will he heal a broken heart himself, will he come talk? Can I help him and how, or is it better to leave him?
These questions don’t end there. These fears do not decrease, but over time I have learned to live with them, I do not let them determine the lives of my children.
To the question of one of my friends: “Will you let a 15-year-old boy go to a boarding school?”, I answer: “Yes, although my mother’s heart is crying, but he is pursuing his dreams, so how could I stand in the way and show him these tears?” . I’m here to let him go, let them both spread their wings and when they want it, just let them out the window like beautiful birds and give them full freedom. Freedom of self-determination, freedom of choice, but also responsibility and bearing the consequences.
And yes, in this aspect motherhood is overrated, because it is damn difficult, because it is full of bumps, worries and doubts, especially when children get older according to the principle – a small child is a problem, and a big one – you know. And that’s true.
But for me, I will repeat it, it is also the greatest and most beautiful adventure of life, full of turns, beautiful views, unexpected storms and downpours, dancing in the rain and a rainbow that we suddenly see in the sky.
It is unpredictable, impossible to plan, to be closed in any framework, to reduce it to a few words of definition. It is something that fills me to the brim and it will always be like this – because next to fears, love that never stops is stronger and if someone asks me today: “but is it fun to be a mother”, I will answer: yes, it’s the best for me, what happened to me in life.
